VamPLIERS Press Release: Metaphors Gone Mad!

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I love a good play on words just as much as the next guy, but sometimes a press release takes it too far-- like this gem from Sudco, distributor of so-called VamPLIERS.

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"It sucks to try and remove difficult fasteners, screws and bolts, especially in the dark of the night!" proffers the PR piece. "What you need is a pair of strong sharp teeth that can bite into any metal fitting, or possibly a Liken or Werewolf, and have it exercised [sic] without a prolonged, strength sapping struggle."

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Wow.

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Claiming this hand tool is imported "... direct from Transylvania," the statement prolongs the metaphor by describing it as "a versatile, all-in-one mechanic's hand pliers with a spring-loaded handle to open the jaws so you don't have to manipulate the tool both ways during any life or death struggle." As if that weren't enough, "They feature a unique jaw design that can completely exterminate stubborn fasteners and other ungodly creatures who might get in the way."

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But wait, there's more.

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"VamPLIERS are perfect for gripping the rounded head of a bolt, stripped screw heads, Allen or Torx socket bolts, and fangs?[<--our emphasis.]" The pi?ce de?r?sistance? "Silver bullets sold separately."

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Call me a hopeless optimist, but deep down inside, beneath all that inexplicable verbiage, I wonder if there might be a half decent tool waiting to transcend its melodramatic marketing.

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